LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Three kids are sitting around and one kid asks, "What's the earliest thing you can remember?"

The first kid says, "I remember these two hands reaching in, grabbing my head, bri Three nging me out of this dark place into the light, turning me upside down, and spanking my bottom!"

The second kid says, "I remember being in this dark, warm place, floating, having a grand old time!"

The third kid says, "I can remember going to the prom with my father and leaving with my mother!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #50 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #49 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
 
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
 
'The big sissy.'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #46 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #45 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #43 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A science teacher was talking to the first grade about whales when a little girl asked a question. Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Science Teacher: "Even though they are much bigger than us, they have throat pleats that filter food..

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Watson says Nicola was swallowed by a huge whale."
   
Angry Science Teacher: "Blue whales can’t swallow people."

 Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Nicola if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Even Angrier Science Teacher: "What if Nicola went to hell?"

Little Girl: "Well, then you can ask him yourself!.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #35 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two men stumble out of a bar and begin to walk down the street, when they see a dog happily licking itself.. One man says, "Man, I wish I could do that." to which the other man replies, "Maybe you should pet him first..."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #31 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A research scientist dropped a piece of buttered toast on the floor and was amazed to see that it landed butter-side up, thereby disproving the long-held theory that toast always lands butter-side down. Thinking that he might have made an important breakthrough that could lead to the rewriting of science textbooks, he took the slice of toast to a colleague for his observations.

"How could it be that when I dropped this slice of toast, it landed butter-side up when all previous knowledge suggests that the opposite should have occurred?"

"It's easy," said the colleague. "You must have buttered the wrong side."   

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #26 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
 
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
 
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #25 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


A little girl came home from school and said: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something I didn't do."

"That's terrible! I'm going to speak to your teacher about it. Now what was it that you didn't do?"

"My homework."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #23 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
 
"Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #23 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The father of a young girl is late leaving the office when he remembers that it is his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a birthday present. He stops at a toy store and asks the sales clerk, " How much is the Barbie in the window?" 

The condescending sales clerk says, " Which Barbie? We have Barbie GoesTo the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Plays Volleyball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Dancing For $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95." 

The surprised father asks, " Why does Divorced Barbie cost $265.95 while all the others cost only $19.95?" 

The sales clerk replies self-assuredly, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture and Ken's computer."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #22 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #18 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #17 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #12 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

There's this blond out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blond on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!,” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blond looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #11 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #10 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I'd throw up.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #8 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blond says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'
The other blond turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #7 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #2 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II