LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
 
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
 
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #25 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Life on the Etch-A-Sketch help desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.  

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #310 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," siad Tim.

So, she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Time complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #300 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penney?

God: "Wait a minute."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #255 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #235 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

What did the blond say when she found she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #214 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two good old Southern boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a "CLEARANCE: 11 Feet" sign.

They got out and measured their rig, which was over 12 feet tall.

"Waddaya think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab.

The other replied, "Hell, there ain't a cop in sight.  Let's take a chance.".

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #212 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter.  "The Pearly Gates!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #189 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope!  Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #184 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What do you get from a pampered cow?  Spoiled milk.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  Frostbite.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck.


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  Anyone can roast beef.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #180 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me, and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying, "All Men"!

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #179 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

 

The Texan says, "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

 

The Kerry farmer says, "Ah sure, I know, sir.  We have tractors like that over here, too."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #176 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.  It's perfect."

 

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #167 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrace.

The Walmart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.  The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins?  Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter.  "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.  Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical.  A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot mamma, and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.

To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris.  I said, you've got a heart murmur, be careful!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community.  A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.  After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman, sliding down the bench to be closer to him, "So you're single . . . ?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

A Chicago salesman is on a business trip to Boston and had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home.  Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around her?"

The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.  Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible.  He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away.  "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really," she said, softening.  "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied.  "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010

Friday's Laugh . . . And Then Some!

 "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered.  "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow!  That's a very expensive car.  What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From our upcoming book compiled by Richard L. Weaver II
Laugh is setup with just over 4 jokes a day, all 365 days, and can be read in any order!
Expected Release Date: Fall 2010