LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #307 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.  To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.  You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.  It looked too good to be true.

So, he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50.00."

The next day someone stole it.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #306 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," siad Tim.

So, she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Time complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #300 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

My wife said, "Whatcha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished!!!"


Do to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  We apologize for any inconvenience.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #299 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #294 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said, "Implants?"  She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #293 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."

"God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me."

"God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #289 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.

She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #284 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why does someone believe you when you say there are ten billion-trillion stars, but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #279 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #277 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #265 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

The caller asked for the little girl's mother.

The 4-year-old daughter replied, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She's hitting the bottle."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #259 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penney?

God: "Wait a minute."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #255 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60 years old . . .  Now he's 97 years old, and we don't know where the hell he is.


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning . . . before my brain figures out what the hell I'm doing.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #252 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. 

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #246 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."



A cop, stopping a drunk, asks, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"

"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #244 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #235 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. 

The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains.  "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys!  He's one of us!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #232 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.  A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."


"So, where were you all these years?"


"In prison," he says.


"Why did they put you in prison?"


He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."


"Oh!" said the woman.  "So you're single . . . ?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #229 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver-side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

His reply, "I know.  I already got that side."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #224 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II