LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad golfer goes, whack, dang!
Bad skydiver goes dang! Whack.

 
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #80 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of  him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #77 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #76 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A father asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child
said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #73 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" 

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." 

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

"The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #70 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 

"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and 

says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #66 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

 How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
 Polaroid's

 What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #61 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #60 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, a man came running and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in an accident.”

Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped from his office window in panic to go as-early-as-possible.

While coming down when he was near tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #57 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #53 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him.

Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..."

He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy."

Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said.

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life.

"That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #51 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Three kids are sitting around and one kid asks, "What's the earliest thing you can remember?"

The first kid says, "I remember these two hands reaching in, grabbing my head, bri Three nging me out of this dark place into the light, turning me upside down, and spanking my bottom!"

The second kid says, "I remember being in this dark, warm place, floating, having a grand old time!"

The third kid says, "I can remember going to the prom with my father and leaving with my mother!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #50 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #49 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
 
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
 
'The big sissy.'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #46 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #45 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #43 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A science teacher was talking to the first grade about whales when a little girl asked a question. Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Science Teacher: "Even though they are much bigger than us, they have throat pleats that filter food..

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Watson says Nicola was swallowed by a huge whale."
   
Angry Science Teacher: "Blue whales can’t swallow people."

 Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Nicola if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Even Angrier Science Teacher: "What if Nicola went to hell?"

Little Girl: "Well, then you can ask him yourself!.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #35 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two men stumble out of a bar and begin to walk down the street, when they see a dog happily licking itself.. One man says, "Man, I wish I could do that." to which the other man replies, "Maybe you should pet him first..."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #31 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A research scientist dropped a piece of buttered toast on the floor and was amazed to see that it landed butter-side up, thereby disproving the long-held theory that toast always lands butter-side down. Thinking that he might have made an important breakthrough that could lead to the rewriting of science textbooks, he took the slice of toast to a colleague for his observations.

"How could it be that when I dropped this slice of toast, it landed butter-side up when all previous knowledge suggests that the opposite should have occurred?"

"It's easy," said the colleague. "You must have buttered the wrong side."   

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #26 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
 
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
 
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #25 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II