LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    
I know I got a lot of  exercise.  The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill..
 
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to  it.
    
 Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #100 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

 If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #99 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #98 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blond girls were working  for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of  the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he said to the hole digger, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Thank goodness for Real Heroes!

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #96 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #90 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #89 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 

“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said. 

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #82 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad golfer goes, whack, dang!
Bad skydiver goes dang! Whack.

 
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #80 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of  him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #77 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #76 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A father asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child
said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #73 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" 

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." 

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

"The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #70 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 

"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and 

says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #66 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

 How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
 Polaroid's

 What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #61 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #60 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, a man came running and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in an accident.”

Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped from his office window in panic to go as-early-as-possible.

While coming down when he was near tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #57 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #53 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him.

Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..."

He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy."

Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said.

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life.

"That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #51 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II