LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Frickin' Elephant:

Jake is 5 and learning to read.  He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,  "Look Mama!  It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath . . . "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!  It says so on the picture!"

 . . . and so it does . . .
 
"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics!!!!  Ain't it wonderful?

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #210 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blond is really angry.  

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief . . .

She takes the gun and puts it to her head . . .

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blond replies, "Shut up,  you're next!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #208 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcoholic beverage a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
 

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #206 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Naples.

He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #203 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later . . . "Da - a - a - d . . ."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty.  Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No.  You had your chance.  Lights out."

Five minutes later . . . "Da - a - a - d . . ."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!  If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"

Five minutes later . . .  "Da - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - d . . ."

WHAT!"

"When you come in to smack me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #202 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #201 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine . . . ."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #200 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blonds are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blond says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blond hands her the compact.

The wecond one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #198 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blond driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer," says the woman calmly.

"Well, what in the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Hel-l-l-l-oooooooo!!!" says the blond.  "Those are my emergency flashers!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #197 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

Two Rednecks are sittin' in a boat on the lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Woody says, "Ah think ah'm gonna divorce mah wife---she hain't spoke to me in over six months."

Bubba slowly sips his beer and says, "Ya'll better think it over--wimmen like that are hard to find."

"I want my husband to pay attention to me," says the woman to the clerk behind the counter.  "Do you have any perfume that smells like a computer?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #194 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A very depressed man walks into a bar.  He sits down on a stool and orders a triple scotch.  He quickly downs his drink and orders another.  The bartender, seeing the man is in some distress, asks if he is all right.  The man replies, "I just came home early from work and found my wife in bed with my best friend.  I told her to pack her bags and go, it's finished between us."

The bartender said, "What about your friend?"

The man replied, "I looked him straight in the eye and said . . . BAD DOG!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #180 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter.  "The Pearly Gates!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #189 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.


Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #186 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope!  Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #184 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What do you get from a pampered cow?  Spoiled milk.


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  Frostbite.


What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck.


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  Anyone can roast beef.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #180 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me, and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying, "All Men"!

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #179 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
          1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
          2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
                                        --Patrick Murray

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.  It's called marriage."
                                          --Sam Kinison

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #178 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

 

The Texan says, "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

 

The Kerry farmer says, "Ah sure, I know, sir.  We have tractors like that over here, too."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #176 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.  It's perfect."

 

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #167 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #166 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II