LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.  A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."


"So, where were you all these years?"


"In prison," he says.


"Why did they put you in prison?"


He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."


"Oh!" said the woman.  "So you're single . . . ?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #229 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver-side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

His reply, "I know.  I already got that side."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #224 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

In a recent USA survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison . . . yet . . .

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #220 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #218 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blond) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #216 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #215 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

What did the blond say when she found she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #214 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two good old Southern boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a "CLEARANCE: 11 Feet" sign.

They got out and measured their rig, which was over 12 feet tall.

"Waddaya think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab.

The other replied, "Hell, there ain't a cop in sight.  Let's take a chance.".

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #212 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar.

Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves, and yelled, "I resent that!"

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, "You stay outta this, I'm talking to the guy on your lap!!!!!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #211 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Frickin' Elephant:

Jake is 5 and learning to read.  He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,  "Look Mama!  It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath . . . "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!  It says so on the picture!"

 . . . and so it does . . .
 
"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics!!!!  Ain't it wonderful?

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #210 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blond is really angry.  

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief . . .

She takes the gun and puts it to her head . . .

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blond replies, "Shut up,  you're next!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #208 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcoholic beverage a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
 

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #206 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Naples.

He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #203 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later . . . "Da - a - a - d . . ."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty.  Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No.  You had your chance.  Lights out."

Five minutes later . . . "Da - a - a - d . . ."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY.  Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!  If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"

Five minutes later . . .  "Da - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - a - d . . ."

WHAT!"

"When you come in to smack me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #202 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #201 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine . . . ."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #200 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blonds are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blond says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blond hands her the compact.

The wecond one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #198 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blond driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer," says the woman calmly.

"Well, what in the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Hel-l-l-l-oooooooo!!!" says the blond.  "Those are my emergency flashers!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #197 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

Two Rednecks are sittin' in a boat on the lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Woody says, "Ah think ah'm gonna divorce mah wife---she hain't spoke to me in over six months."

Bubba slowly sips his beer and says, "Ya'll better think it over--wimmen like that are hard to find."

"I want my husband to pay attention to me," says the woman to the clerk behind the counter.  "Do you have any perfume that smells like a computer?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #194 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A very depressed man walks into a bar.  He sits down on a stool and orders a triple scotch.  He quickly downs his drink and orders another.  The bartender, seeing the man is in some distress, asks if he is all right.  The man replies, "I just came home early from work and found my wife in bed with my best friend.  I told her to pack her bags and go, it's finished between us."

The bartender said, "What about your friend?"

The man replied, "I looked him straight in the eye and said . . . BAD DOG!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #180 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II