LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #130 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A very respectable woman went into a pharmacy and approached the pharmacist. “I need to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist could not believe what he heard. “Lord above! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. I’d lose my license and we’d both wind up in jail! I absolutely WILL NOT sell you any cyanide!”

The woman then put her hand into her purse and produced a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist examined the picture, gasped and then replied, “Well … this does change things. You didn’t say that you had a prescription.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #128 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman, shopping for Thanksgiving dinner, was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket.

She could not find one she felt was big enough for the special Thanksgiving dinner.

A clerk came buy to stock the bins and she asked “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The clerk responded “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #127 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolos playing in unison.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch in a flute?
When you toss it in the trash and don’t hit the rim.

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player does it with his left hand.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines for that now.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #124 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why did the chicken wear red suspenders? In case there was a fire across the road.

 

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell “straight,” little Johnny did so without error.

“Bravo,” said the teacher, “now, what does it mean?”

“Without water in it.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #123 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day . . .
                         30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . . .

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #117 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides to follow the same tactic and starts shouting: “he b*tch get me a whiskey!”. To his surprise he gets his whiskey and follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults until the cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man: “boy, for someone who can’t fly you sure do curse a lot”.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #116 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

WHO’S GUILTY HERE?…A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts “Quick…my husband’s home!” Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, “You’re next.” … So I started doing the same to them at funerals!

Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until they get married?
Dad: that’s true in every country, son.

A blonde just texted me and asked “what does idk stand for?
I said “I don’t know.”
She said “omg! nobody does!”

Fact of Life. After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF.

A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce: A man went to Amsterdam and sent his wife a message “having the most amazing time here, wish you were her!”
 
A man comes home and shouts, honey pack your bags I won the LOTTERY. She screams oh my god, what should I pack? He says everything you got to go!”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #115 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting time.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

If at first you don't succeed, see whether the loser gets anything.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #112 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.

"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.

"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.

With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!"

"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"

To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no -- just give me a fried egg sandwich please.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #111 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money (or, according to Benny Hill, free airline tickets).

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #102 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't
feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

 "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #102 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    
I know I got a lot of  exercise.  The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill..
 
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to  it.
    
 Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #100 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

 If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #99 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #98 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blond girls were working  for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of  the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he said to the hole digger, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Thank goodness for Real Heroes!

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #96 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #90 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #89 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II