LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman, shopping for Thanksgiving dinner, was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket.

She could not find one she felt was big enough for the special Thanksgiving dinner.

A clerk came buy to stock the bins and she asked “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The clerk responded “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #127 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolos playing in unison.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch in a flute?
When you toss it in the trash and don’t hit the rim.

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player does it with his left hand.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines for that now.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #124 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why did the chicken wear red suspenders? In case there was a fire across the road.

 

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell “straight,” little Johnny did so without error.

“Bravo,” said the teacher, “now, what does it mean?”

“Without water in it.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #123 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day . . .
                         30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . . .

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #117 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides to follow the same tactic and starts shouting: “he b*tch get me a whiskey!”. To his surprise he gets his whiskey and follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults until the cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man: “boy, for someone who can’t fly you sure do curse a lot”.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #116 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

WHO’S GUILTY HERE?…A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts “Quick…my husband’s home!” Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, “You’re next.” … So I started doing the same to them at funerals!

Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until they get married?
Dad: that’s true in every country, son.

A blonde just texted me and asked “what does idk stand for?
I said “I don’t know.”
She said “omg! nobody does!”

Fact of Life. After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF.

A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce: A man went to Amsterdam and sent his wife a message “having the most amazing time here, wish you were her!”
 
A man comes home and shouts, honey pack your bags I won the LOTTERY. She screams oh my god, what should I pack? He says everything you got to go!”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #115 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting time.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

If at first you don't succeed, see whether the loser gets anything.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #112 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.

"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.

"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.

With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!"

"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"

To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no -- just give me a fried egg sandwich please.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #111 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money (or, according to Benny Hill, free airline tickets).

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #102 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't
feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

 "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #102 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    
I know I got a lot of  exercise.  The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill..
 
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to  it.
    
 Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #100 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

 If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #99 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #98 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blond girls were working  for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of  the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he said to the hole digger, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #97 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.

Thank goodness for Real Heroes!

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #96 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #90 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #89 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 

“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said. 

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #82 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad golfer goes, whack, dang!
Bad skydiver goes dang! Whack.

 
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #80 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of  him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #77 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #76 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A father asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child
said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #73 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" 

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." 

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

"The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #70 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 

"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and 

says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #66 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

 How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
 Polaroid's

 What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #61 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #60 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, a man came running and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in an accident.”

Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped from his office window in panic to go as-early-as-possible.

While coming down when he was near tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #57 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The minister asked if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her traveling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing." The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #53 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man who was grocery shopping noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. She stared at him.

Finally, at the checkout, he was in line right behind her. She turned around and said to him, "I hope I didn't make you uneasy. It's just that you look so much like my late son..."

He answered, "Oh, that's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Goodbye, Mom!' as I leave the store, it would make me so happy."

Then she checked out and, as she left the store, the man played along. "Goodbye, Mom!" he said.

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and he was pleased that, through a simple act, he could bring joy into someone else's life.

"That'll be $121.85," said the clerk. "What? No way! Look, I've only got nine items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her groceries, too!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #51 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Three kids are sitting around and one kid asks, "What's the earliest thing you can remember?"

The first kid says, "I remember these two hands reaching in, grabbing my head, bri Three nging me out of this dark place into the light, turning me upside down, and spanking my bottom!"

The second kid says, "I remember being in this dark, warm place, floating, having a grand old time!"

The third kid says, "I can remember going to the prom with my father and leaving with my mother!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #50 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #49 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
 
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
 
'The big sissy.'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #46 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #45 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #43 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A science teacher was talking to the first grade about whales when a little girl asked a question. Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Science Teacher: "Even though they are much bigger than us, they have throat pleats that filter food..

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Watson says Nicola was swallowed by a huge whale."
   
Angry Science Teacher: "Blue whales can’t swallow people."

 Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Nicola if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Even Angrier Science Teacher: "What if Nicola went to hell?"

Little Girl: "Well, then you can ask him yourself!.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #35 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two men stumble out of a bar and begin to walk down the street, when they see a dog happily licking itself.. One man says, "Man, I wish I could do that." to which the other man replies, "Maybe you should pet him first..."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #31 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A research scientist dropped a piece of buttered toast on the floor and was amazed to see that it landed butter-side up, thereby disproving the long-held theory that toast always lands butter-side down. Thinking that he might have made an important breakthrough that could lead to the rewriting of science textbooks, he took the slice of toast to a colleague for his observations.

"How could it be that when I dropped this slice of toast, it landed butter-side up when all previous knowledge suggests that the opposite should have occurred?"

"It's easy," said the colleague. "You must have buttered the wrong side."   

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #26 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
 
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
 
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #25 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


A little girl came home from school and said: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something I didn't do."

"That's terrible! I'm going to speak to your teacher about it. Now what was it that you didn't do?"

"My homework."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #23 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
 
"Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #23 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

The father of a young girl is late leaving the office when he remembers that it is his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a birthday present. He stops at a toy store and asks the sales clerk, " How much is the Barbie in the window?" 

The condescending sales clerk says, " Which Barbie? We have Barbie GoesTo the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Plays Volleyball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Dancing For $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95." 

The surprised father asks, " Why does Divorced Barbie cost $265.95 while all the others cost only $19.95?" 

The sales clerk replies self-assuredly, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture and Ken's computer."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #22 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #18 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #17 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #12 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

There's this blond out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blond on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!,” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blond looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #11 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #10 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I'd throw up.”

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #8 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blond says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'
The other blond turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #7 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet, Volume 2

From Day #2 in a second complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #314 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

Life on the Etch-A-Sketch help desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.  

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #310 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II